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U.S. to Launch Pre-emptive
Strike on Jamaica
 Washington, D.C.
- In a response to the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina, President
Bush has announced plans to launch a pre-emptive attack on the Caribbean
nation of Jamaica, in an effort to prevent further hurricanes. The strike
is seen as the first step in a fundamental restructuring of the Caribbean,
long a safe haven for radical currents of moist, humid air, and a fertile
breeding ground for hurricanes.
At a press briefing on
Thursday, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice laid out the case for the
strike on the island, saying "as we move into the spring season, there is
overwhelming evidence to indicate that Jamaica is beginning to stockpile
massive quantities of moist, sultry tropical air, and the threat to the
U.S. is growing with every passing day."
The administration
asserts that in recent months, the National Weather Service has
intercepted "sustained chatter" indicating the possibility of several
impending hurricane strikes within the United States. Evidence indicates
that the strikes will likely occur during the summer months, and will
probably be directed at coastal targets. Richard Head of the NWS insists
that this information is specific in nature, and indicates an imminent
threat. "This is good, specific intelligence. We now know, for example,
that the code name being used for the initial operation begins with the
letter 'A.'"
Most experts agree that
Jamaica does not have the capability to produce a hurricane on its own.
However, the administration contends that the Warm Moisture Deposits
believed to be in Jamaica's possession could be handed off to a third
party in the region, creating the potential for disaster. Several shadowy
cumulonimbus cells are known to be circulating in the South Atlantic, and
with the help of Jamaica’s WMDs, these cells could produce a hurricane in
a matter of days.
Secretary Rice said that
intelligence obtained by the administration was strong, and criticized
congressional Democrats who have proposed giving Jamaica more time to
produce a full accounting of atmospheric conditions.
In a press briefing on
Friday, Secretary Rice insisted that if we wait for further evidence, the
smoking gun could come, "in the form of a rain cloud."
Critics of the
President's plan call it a transparent effort to gain control of Jamaica's
vast deposits of jerk sauce, and to divert attention from the President’s
Doppler surveillance program, which has sparked controversy in Washington
in recent weeks. Senator Chuck Schumer called the plan "misdirected",
noting that Katrina was actually spawned in the Bahamas, not Jamaica.
Schumer contends that the island nation does not pose a significant threat
to national security, saying that most Jamaicans are "too stoned to speak
proper English, so it’s doubtful that they have the expertise to develop a
category five storm."
On
Friday, Congress will vote on a bill that would require the U.S. to go to
the UN Security Council to seek a resolution demanding more transparency
from Jamaica. Senator Harry Reid of Nevada urged caution, "let the
meteorologists do their work.”
©
2006 Jon Campbell |