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Major University Research
Leads to Rash of Memory Foam Bed
Thefts
San Diego, February
10 - Researchers at Southern California’s IGU have released a
study indicating that men who own a memory foam bed from the manufacturer
Sleep Aid are more than twice as likely to score with chicks, when
compared to men who own outdated inner spring beds. The effect is
particularly profound on men for whom dating is usually difficult. Since
the release of the study, there has been a rash of thefts at mattress
stores across the country, mostly carried out by adolescent males with
chronic acne and middle aged men who live with their mothers.
Scientists working in the field of social psychology have long known that
Sleep Aid memory foam beds have powerfully persuasive properties. However,
the profundity of what scientists are calling “The Sleep Aid
Effect” was not fully known until the release of the university’s
groundbreaking study. Says research coordinator Dr. Phelps Carter, “for
years there has been substantial evidence to suggest that Sleep Aid beds
could get you a lot of action, but we were simply unprepared for the sheer
breadth of their effectiveness.”
News
of the research has led to a rash of often brazen Sleep Aid memory foam
bed thefts across the country. Said one store clerk who wished to remain
anonymous, “before I knew what was happening, five teenage boys had come
running into the display area. One of them mumbled something about how
they were ‘so getting to second base with this thing’, and they just
picked up the mattress and ran.” The suspects were unarmed
and were quickly apprehended by police in the mall parking lot, while
trying to strap the mattress to the roof of their mom’s station wagon.
Exactly why Sleep Aid memory foam beds have
such a powerful effect on women is still not fully known. Head researcher
for the IGU study, Dr Janice Hawkings said while there is still much to
learn about the precise causes of this phenomenon, “we can point to some
demonstrated causalities, and their troubling effects.” Dr. Hawkings
worries that the “The Sleep Aid Effect” is so powerful, in some cases it
has caused women to make choices they otherwise might not.
As Dr
Hawkings explains, “owning a memory foam bed is still somewhat unusual. They function as an interesting conversation piece, and so
many women are curious to see one in person. Unfortunately, once the
potential mate has entered the owner’s bedroom and felt the luxurious
comfort and spectacular support that Sleep Aid beds offer, certain
neurological processes are interrupted, leaving her feminine wiles
significantly diminished.” It is this process which is leading a large
number of intelligent and attractive women to succumb to what Dr. Hawkings
calls the “Out of Their League Effect,” causing the victim to begin making
out with men who would normally fall well below their standards.
Indeed, the statistics bear out such an
assessment. According to the study, out of fifty female participants
classified as “Dime Pieces”, or perfect 10s, more than seventy percent
were dating men classified as “Level III Tools” those who rated below the
4 mark on a 1-10 scale.
The
research indicates that owning a Sleep Aid bed can help the owner make 53%
more personal connections, without traditional courtship rituals like
expensive dinners and drinks at the bar. This is quite good news for men
classified as having “little or no game”, an estimated 32 % of the male
population. Dr Carter explains it this way, “For many people, a memory
foam bed is a considerable novelty. As such, they can act as an effective
catalyst for conversation and thusly, for the initiation of courtship.
This enables the wooer, on average, to achieve in-bedroom status with a
28% reduction in alcohol expenditure and only modest culinary offerings.”
Scientists at IGU encourage women who encounter Sleep Aid beds to use
caution, and bear in mind that the heavenly softness and almost decadent
weightless comfort of Sleep Aid beds has little or no relation to the men
that own them. While any Sleep Aid owner is likely to be intelligent,
having purchased the best sleep surface known to man, he may not
necessarily make the perfect mate. For more information on “The
Sleep Aid Effect,” and the world’s finest bedding surface, visit
www.HealCo.com.
©
2006 Jon Campbell |