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Fox To Overhaul Popular Hannity And Colmes Program
 New York City, March 25
- The Fox News Channel has announced that it will roll out a new version
of its successful political commentary show “Hannity and Colmes”, in time
for the fall season. Fox’s program director Ronald Walker said the show
had taken a dip in the ratings, and the proposed changes were intended to
get the program back on track.
In a press conference on Friday, Mr. Walker addressed fans of the show,
“At Fox we believe in giving our viewers what they want, and we’ve heard
your voice. Hannity and Colmes is going to be better than ever.” Mr.
Walker said the Fox team had tinkered with nearly every aspect of the
program, adding a new segment and even sprucing up the show’s title. Said
Mr. Walker, “The
first major change will be to replace the program’s existing moniker,
‘Hannity and Colmes’, with the more descriptive ‘Handsome Patriot and
Latte Drinking, Weasel-Eyed Abortion Monger.’”
Mr. Walker went on to say that the central theme of the show, providing a
balanced treatment of the day’s issues from two sides of the political
spectrum, will remain unchanged. However, the show will now feature a new
set design, as well as an additional fifteen-minute segment at the end of
each episode wherein Mr. Hannity will, in Mr. Walker’s words, “bitch slap
Alan Colmes until he cries.”
When asked why the network had decided to add such a seemingly incongruous
segment, Mr. Walker said the Fox team saw the new addition as a “logical
continuation of the show’s existing themes.”
Reached for comment about the program’s overhaul, co-host Alan Colmes said
that he was thrilled about the changes, particularly the inclusion of the
final segment. “I think it’s a great addition,” said Mr. Colmes. “Frankly,
I’ve been getting kind of mouthy lately. Just last week, I had the
temerity to criticize our Commander in Chief for breaking federal law with
his illegal wiretapping prog… er… I mean the, um…
‘Terrorist-Defeating-Don’t-Forget-About-September-11th-Phone-Overhearing-Program’.
I just really need to be taken down a peg, and I think Sean is the perfect
man for the job.”
Fans tuning into the show next season will also see the introduction of a
new wardrobe concept for the hosts, each pundit being assigned a uniform
of sorts. Mr. Hannity’s wardrobe will reportedly consist of nothing more
than a large American flag draped over his bronzed physique, and a ten
inch long, jewel encrusted crucifix. Mr. Colmes’s uniform is slated to
include a black beret with a hammer and sickle insignia, or possibly a
turban, though the details are apparently still under consideration.
Reached by telephone, Mr. Hannity seemed nonplussed by the changes. When
asked how he felt about the new segment with Mr. Colmes and himself, Mr.
Hannity replied “Alan who? Oh, you mean that squirrelly looking fellow? I
thought he was an intern.”
©
2006 Jon Campbell |