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Local Thug Not Really 'From the
Streets'
 Waltham,
Mass. March 26 - Theodore Weingarden, known to
the Bentley college community simply as “Cisco”, left campus on Thursday
amid a public outcry over events that occurred this past weekend on
visitor’s day.
The
revelations stemmed from an incident that occurred on Saturday afternoon
when, outside of his north campus dormitory, Mr. Weingarden was observed
climbing into the passenger seat of what appeared to be his father’s
Mercedes Benz. Those who know Cisco were surprised by the incident, due in
part to the young man's frequent assertions that his father was currently
"in the joint". Later, when friends questioned Mr. Weingarden about both
his father's visit and the expensive vehicle he drove, Cisco replied that
his father had indeed been incarcerated, but was recently released.
Mr.
Weingarden then went on to explain that his father was, in fact, a very
well known drug dealer in his western Massachusetts hometown, and had
purchased the aforementioned sports car with money that he earned “pimpin
and slingin rocks, son. Yea, straight up.”
Mr.
Weingarden then proceeded to make a complex series of seemingly arbitrary
hand gestures and added, “Amherst bitches. You know how we do.”
Documents uncovered by this reporter reveal that the elder Mr. Weingarden
is actually a successful CPA, and no evidence of drug trafficking activity
could be ascertained. When asked about Theodore’s oft-mentioned upbringing
in an Amherst housing project, the elder Mr. Weingarden replied that their
neighborhood “wasn’t exactly a housing project, as much as a subdivision.
Times were pretty tough for a while though. After Teddy’s little sister
was born, we had to take him out of clarinet lessons for a while. He was
pretty upset by that.”
The
revelations about Mr. Weingarden’s apparently fabricated life story have
provoked a certain amount of ill will toward him on campus. Late Saturday
evening, Cisco filed a report with campus security, claiming that he had
been “jacked” by a group of freshmen near the arts building. The thieves
reportedly made off with his new iPod, as well as the “G-Unit” baseball
cap that he picked up at Urban Outfitters a few months back.
Though his whereabouts are currently unknown, Mr. Weigarden is believed to
have withdrawn from school and returned home to pursue a career in the
music business. He has apparently been sighted on several occasions
rapping outside of a Starbucks coffee shop in Amherst, though the
sightings could not be substantiated. He could not be reached for comment
on this article.
©
2006 Jon Campbell |