Bumper Sticker Solves Israeli Palestinian Conflict

Encinitas, CA May 23 - In a still unexplained development today, leaders from both sides of the Israeli Palestinian conflict announced that they have signed what is to be a formal and permanent truce. Amazingly, the leaders’ reconciliation is being attributed not to president Bush’s roadmap or any recent negotiations, but rather to California coffee shop barista Michael Swanson, and the bumper sticker he recently placed on his 1971 Volkswagon bus.

In a statement near his home today, Mr. Swanson said that these developments served to underscore the importance of activism in our communities, telling reporters “this is proof that even if you’re just a single concerned citizen, if you’re willing to sacrifice, and if you have a car, you really can change the world.”

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Fox To Overhaul Popular Hannity And Colmes Program

New York City, May 15 - The Fox News Channel has announced that it will roll out a new version of its successful political commentary show “Hannity and Colmes”, in time for the fall season. Fox’s program director Ronald Walker said the show had taken a dip in the ratings, and the proposed changes were intended to get the program back on track.

In a press conference on Friday, Mr. Walker addressed fans of the show, “At Fox we believe in giving our viewers what they want, and we’ve heard your voice. Hannity and Colmes is going to be better than ever"...

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Local Thug Not Really 'From the Streets'

Waltham, Mass. May 5 - Theodore Weingarden, known to the Bentley college community simply as “Cisco”, left campus on Thursday amid a public outcry over events that occurred this past weekend on visitor’s day.

The revelations stemmed from an incident that occurred on Saturday afternoon when, outside of his north campus dormitory, Mr. Weingarden was observed climbing into the passenger seat of what appeared to be his father’s Mercedes Benz. Those who know Cisco were surprised by the incident, due in part to the young man's frequent assertions that his father was currently "in the joint". Later, when friends questioned Mr. Weingarden about both his father's visit and the expensive vehicle he drove, Cisco replied that his father had indeed been incarcerated, but was recently released....

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U.S to Launch Pre-emptive Strike on Jamaica

Washington, D.C. June 28 - In response to the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina, President Bush has announced plans to launch a pre-emptive attack on the Caribbean nation of Jamaica, in an effort to prevent further hurricanes. The strike is seen as the first step in a fundamental restructuring of the Caribbean, long a safe haven for radical currents of moist, humid air, and a fertile breeding ground for hurricanes.

At a press briefing on Thursday, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice laid out the case for the strike on the island, saying "as we move into the spring season, there is overwhelming evidence to indicate that Jamaica is beginning to stockpile massive quantities of moist, sultry tropical air...

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Left-Wing Terrorists Seize Coffee Shop, Objectives Unclear

Burlington, VT April 24 – FBI agents have apprehended a small group of left wing terrorists who apparently took possession of a Starbucks coffee shop in this small Vermont city. At least eight hostages were in the store when it was seized, though all were released unharmed. Initially, the terrorists claimed only to be seeking an end to the conflict in Iraq, however as negotiations with law enforcement officials continued over the course of the day, the demands issued by the group began to stray from this central theme, becoming a disjointed and convoluted laundry...